zezrie's Ponderings

Last Post...here anyway

2008-08-25T23:43:00.002-04:00

For all you long time readers (if any are left)....I have decided no longer to update this blog. This blog represents an old life that no longer inspires me. But fear not, I have a new blog if anyone is interested:
http://syncopatingme.blogspot.com/
There you can find pregnancy updates and other things. I will not delete this blog, but leave it up for reference.
Cheerio
Zezrie

The big news

2008-03-14T15:20:00.002-04:00

It has taken me 2 weeks since the last post to get the courage to post the news.....

I am Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is about damn time, lol. I was scared to post before today, and Im actually reluctant to do so now. It is only the first month of the first trimester. I have been cramping, which I have been told is no big deal unless there's blood. Luckily for me, Daniel was in OB in the Navy as a corpsman, Bethesda Naval no less. He's delivered over 500, so he will keep it together pretty well.
I am afraid , I wont lie. I am becoming a super exhausted hag, poor Daniel.

erghhghghghg

2008-03-03T21:22:00.002-05:00

Well I have been feeling strange lately, like I felt when I was on birth control pills. I am irritable, and on the verge of tears all the time , despite the fact Im on 2 different antidepressants. Ill keep everyone posted.

Boy this blog is boring !!!!!!

2008-02-17T20:23:00.003-05:00

I just realized that this friggin blog has become maudlin and depressing. Plenty of "boo hoo poor me wahhhh!!". No Longer!!! I will now only write upbeat, funny things here.

Brainhell at rest

2008-02-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

I was just sitting here with my arm in a sling (sprained shoulder and bicep, long story), grumping to myself about the aching when I went to Brainhell's site to check on his progress. He died last night, in the evening, with his family and friends by his side. The past year's posts had shown a slow descent towards this day. I cried when I read about his caregiver problems, his pain, and his love for his family. His whole blog should be made into a book so all people can see the degradation, the pain, and the sadness he and his family had to endure; but also the intelligence, patience, and the nobility of spirit this man shared with us on a day to day basis. I am glad the ALS has finally let go, and he is no longer in pain. Yet, I will still miss him.

Ruminations of things to come-faith

2008-01-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

Well after a year of very unsatisfying and frustrating Wicca, I came to the conclusion that instead of the usual existential fugue I normally get this time of year I am having a spiritual crisis. I no longer feel as attached to witchcraft as I used to be. Some would use the analogy that its like being in a long marriage , then waking up gradually to the fact that the person you sleep beside and count on for comfort and strength is a stranger. So what do I believe in now? I believe there is a supreme power, but that it is not necessarily male. I still believe that nature is sacred, and we have a moral and spiritual responsibility to take care of it. The biggest part is that I absolutely do not believe that Jesus of Nazareth is divine in any way. He is a spiritual leader like Mohammad and Buddha, no more no less. That part of my belief system hasn't changed.
However what has changed is a new found need for community. Daniel told me when we first met this is why he left witchcraft and became a christian. I didn't understand then. I was fine in my intellectual/spiritual isolation. It has been almost 3 years since that conversation, and I now realize how lonely this faith can be. I need interaction now, the warmth of a community of people who believe the same things. So, what core things do I need ? Ritual that is old and deep of meaning. Intellectual stimulation for the brain , and with the freedom to question without persecution. So the past few weeks I have admitted my crisis of faith to Daniel, and he has supported my search for a new path. I began the research a few weeks ago.
At first, Catholicism and Buddhism came out first. Catholicism has the fellowship I need, plus the ages old ritual. The minuses are that Catholicism, even though it takes a good brain to study it, isn't keen on people who ask questions and wont toe the doctrinal line. Oh, and that whole Jesus-is-Lord-and-savior thing. That sort of thing could have got you killed about 100 years ago, and could still get you killed in some places. As for Buddhism, at first I liked it. There is a growing population in the area so the fellowship might be there. The study of the faith takes my fancy intellectually, but...the doctrine leaves me cold. There is nothing in life but suffering? Giving up all worldly things leads to nirvana? Whatever, it just makes me cold.
So now I'm looking into Judaism. Ill keep all posted on how that goes.

Brother Bart

2007-12-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

He died the way John would have wished it. He called the ambulance at 1am, and was dead at 1:30am. The coroner said he died of a massive Pulmonary Embolism, where blood clots form in you body, usually in your legs, then break loose and migrate to the lungs to cut off oxygen to the brain and heart. He most likely lost consciousness a few minutes after the phone call. No life support, no suffering.

My late husband's brother was a simple, sweet natured man. He never married, and lived independently the last few years despite his touch of Cerebral Palsy. He was a devoted christian and loved gospel music. He died at the age of 60, and I really shall miss him.

La Muerte

2007-11-02T22:16:00.000-04:00

I have become extremely intrigued with death lately.

Not my death...Hell No!.

I've been thinking about the process of dying and death around me, culturally and metaphorically. I've been thinking about my fave blogger Brainhell ( http://brainhell.blogspot.com/) and how he and his family are dealing with his impending death. I wonder about John, and what he was thinking when he looked at his family around him in his final moments. I wonder why birth is so easy to deal with, and death is so hard. I wonder how Ned thought it was an option, and why I thought the same thing many years ago. I feel like I'm on more intimate terms with Death than most people. What I really wonder is how can I make the process better for others
I remember the nurse in the ICU at UK (if you have heard this story before, long suffering readers, forgive me), who calmly waited for me to walk away from John lying dead on the hospital bed. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, in a voice that was the definition of calmness.
"Go outside for air, go get some food, then come back to do the necessary paperwork. He will be here waiting for you."
I tried using that voice a lot the week Ned died for Daniel and his family. I don't know if I will ever gain that zen like calm in my voice, the calm that eases people whenever they hear it.
Maybe I just want to help others the way I was helped I don't know.

Samhain 2007

2007-11-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

I was very uninspired this Samhain. I did my ceremony, did the separate ceremony for Ned, but it felt empty. I have no idea whats the matter with me. I remember my first few Samhains, being filled with wonder and delight. The energy seemed to throb around me. Ive done Samhain ceremonies alone and with groups, in all parts of the country. I just felt empty this time. So how can I reconnect ?

A touch of needed humor

2007-10-15T18:06:00.000-04:00

I think a bit of Rodney Carrington is in order..and I love this song.

This should be fun to watch...

2007-10-04T14:17:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, seeing that just about 1 out of 3 people in Pike county are addicted to something, if it isn't oxyxcontin, its something else, it will be interesting to watch and see if my home county has the balls to follow this up and play hardball with the big boys.
The drugs are just a symptom of the malaise of this area. Hopelessness does that to a people. If an area is under educated and has no way to get a better economic and social future, they have to kill the pain somehow......stay tuned.

Kentucky sues makers of OxyContin - Yahoo! News

By SAMIRA JAFARI, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 9 minutes ago
PIKEVILLE, Ky. - Kentucky officials on Thursday sued the manufacturer of OxyContin, the prescription pain reliever dubbed "hillbilly heroin," because of widespread abuse in Appalachia.

A lawsuit filed by Kentucky Attorney General Greg Stumbo and Pike County officials demands millions in compensation from drug maker Purdue Pharma.

"Make no mistake about it — this is war," said Gary C. Johnson, the county's outside counsel who is handling the case.

The lawsuit seeks reimbursement for costs incurred in drug abuse programs, law enforcement and prescription payments through Medicaid and the Kentucky Pharmaceutical Assistance program.
In a statement, Purdue Pharma officials said OxyContin's packaging warns against the dangers of abusing the drug and that the company shouldn't be held responsible for individuals who choose to do so.

"We will defend this lawsuit vigorously and we expect to prevail," the statement said.
Filed in Pike County Circuit Court, the lawsuit seeks class-action status for other "similarly situated" counties in the state. It seeks unspecified punitive damages and the creation of a court-monitored fund, financed by Purdue Pharma, that would pay for a program that would notify users of the potential harms of the drug and spur research on the effects of the drug, among other initiatives.

OxyContin — the brand name for oxycodone — has been blamed for hundreds of deaths across the country in recent years. Its intended slow-release effect can be easily circumvented, and abuse has been especially high in Appalachian states such as Kentucky, Virginia and West Virginia.

Kentucky officials decided to pursue the lawsuit after the drug maker and three of its current or former executives pleaded guilty this year to misleading the public about the drug's risk of addiction.

The company said it accepted responsibility for "past misstatements" by company officials.
"We do not believe, however, that those misstatement were responsible for individuals' abuse of OxyContin," the statement said.

Religious crossroads

2007-10-01T23:15:00.000-04:00

After nearly 18 years of witchcraft, I think I have reached a turning point religiously. Recently, I have been reading quite a bit about Buddhism in general and Zen in particular. I do not want to leave the faith I have happily been a part of for almost two decades, rather, I want to expand it. I see the tenets of Zen as being a complement to my Craft. I consider Zen to be more of a philosophy than a religion anyway. I will keep you informed on the next 4 weeks worth of thoughts and study.

The hammer fell on Burma...again

2007-10-01T23:12:00.000-04:00

Well, as I suspected, the troops came out and started shooting. The uprising has been put down. Damn, I was hoping they would make it this time too.

Comments about Burma..I mean Myanmar

2007-09-26T00:08:00.000-04:00

I was watching the news about the protests in Myanmar with a sinking feeling. Its not that I'm not thrilled that an oppressed people, lead by the otherwise peaceful Buddhist monks of their country, are trying to remove the military boot on their necks that holds them down. Quite the contrary. My concern is a memory I have of a weekend in June of 1989.

I had been following the developments in China the whole last 6 weeks of my high school career. The Sunday of the crackdown, my family and I were driving back from Virginia where we had attended my cousin's high school graduation, in preparation for my own graduation that Monday. They interrupted radio service to announce it. I will never forget the feeling of disgust, fear, and youthful shock when I finally got to a TV and saw one lone student, probably not much older than myself, taking on a tank. That memory will be burned in my brain forever.

So, 18 years later, I watch the news reports with baited breath and hope the people of Burma can pull off a revolution, without taking on tanks.

self editing for protection

2007-09-21T14:58:00.000-04:00

After talking with Daniel, we have decided to take down the entry "read your medicine box insert". We found that a ambulance chasing lawyer in Texas had used an excerpt, almost word per word, from the blog on their site, including Ned's name. We can't do anything since I didn't have a copyright on my blog...that will change as of today.

The truth is that the truth is never black and white. We will never know what truly made Ned pull that trigger. The medicine could have had something to do with it, but we will never know for certain. All I wanted to do is make people aware that the drug you might be taking might have a dangerous side effect, and that one should ALWAYS be very careful and be a good medical consumer and know as much about your meds as possible. And from here on out....ANYONE WHO DOES AN EXCERPT FROM MY BLOG WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION WILL BE UP SHITCREEK....UNDERSTAND!!!!!

Self imposed writing cocoon

2007-09-20T18:26:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, I have been in a self -imposed writing cocoon for the past few months. What started as a slow, boring, blissfully average summer turned dramatic and stressful in a blink of an eye. I'm sitting in our new house that we didn't even have a dream about having in June. Daniel and his family continue to reel from the suicide of his brother. My nursing plans were derailed after having to drop my Anatomy class because I got behind after Ned's death.

But... the garden is still blooming. The sun is still rising. The weather is still on the hot side of comfortable. Sometimes, a holding pattern is necessary. Tomorrow is the the Fall Equinox, and winter will soon be here..and normalcy will return.

How did they make it this long?!?

2007-09-15T00:29:00.000-04:00

My grandparents will have their 60th wedding anniversary tomorrow!!!!!! Along the way, they had 11 kids, and have buried 2 already. The first 30 years he tried to beat her to death. Now she willingly takes care of him. They are having a party, so it will be interesting to see everyone.

reactions to previous entry

2007-09-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

Well well it seems this blog gets read after all. A few days ago I got two emails, one from CBS 11 Dallas-Ft. Worth, and People magazine about using Ned's story for a news investigation and an article about Chantix and it's adverse reactions. I sent them to Daniel, and he has been talking to the Ft. Worth people. We don't want to sue Pfizer, we just want Ned's story to hopefully save someone else's life. Nothing will bring him back, we just don't want his senseless death to be in vain.

Our new house!!!!

2007-08-29T16:50:00.000-04:00

Isn't it pretty? Our own little love shack on the hill. We came a cats ass of not getting it, but we worked it out in the end. We close tomorrow, then get ready to do the whole packing/moving thing (ick). It will be a long holiday weekend, but so worth it. At least one good thing happened this month.

sadness and anger are good bedfellows

2007-08-22T20:59:00.000-04:00

HAZARD KY- Ned Napier, 28, died Aug 19, 2007. Visit 6-9pm Wed. Funeral 11am Thu at Maggard's Mt View Chapel

Ned Napier is my husband Daniel's little brother. Ned put a .45 magnum pistol in his mouth Sunday morning and pulled the trigger. We will bury him tomorrow. The family is devastated, and I am furious, at him and myself. To think I almost did this to my own family. I will talk more tomorrow.

BIGDEAL first of many first...

2007-08-01T13:33:00.000-04:00

Daniel and I have been wanting a house for a long time. For the past several months, we have been fighting to get his VA loan, to no avail. So Monday morning, after I sent him off to work, I decided to do some investigating. We had been talking about looking into an online loan, and Quicken had a good reputation, so I went online and started an online chat with a mortgage officer. 4 hours later, I got us approved for a $100,000 mortgage!!!!! I called Daniel, and he was stunned. He made me check to make sure it wasn't a scam...it wasn't. We got the approval letter today, and the letter for the real estate agent. We can start looking this weekend. This a wonderful surprise for both of us, so the carnival ride of real estate shopping begins....

Second of many firsts..

2007-08-01T13:19:00.001-04:00

The reason for the difficulty in ready my final is that I just got contacts for the first time in my life. I have been wearing glasses for 20 years, and was always scared to try contacts, fearing I;d poke my damn eye out or something. But lately, my vision has changed to the point where I thought I needed bifocals, so I went to the optometrist to get checked. Well, guess what...I need bifocals (a genetic thing for women in my family at this age, gee thanks mom). However for shits and giggles, I asked about contacts. I found out that I would need a regular one in my right eye, and one made for astigmatism in my left, both for long range vision. For close up, I could go to Wal-Mart and get a cheap pair of reading glasses. So I paid the 30$ extra dollars to be taught how to wear the damn things, and the adventure began.
For the past week, putting in the contacts have been an ordeal in of itself. The right one, no problem. The left I have lost up in my eyeball, dropped in the sink, and it usually takes 30 minutes to put the friggin thing in when I do get it aligned right. Why, because it is misshapen for the astigmatism so it doesn't cup like a regular contact. It has given me nothing but a pain in the eye for a week. If the doctor can't give me another shape tomorrow at the appointment to try again, I might be forced to go back to glasses.
The humor in all of this is the unknown habits one picks up after wearing glasses for so long. In the past, every time my eyes got blurry, it meant I needed to push my glasses up on my face. Do you know how silly a woman looks pushing at an imaginary pair of glasses 20 or so times a day? Yeah, Daniel has had no end of fun out of it.

First of many firsts...

2007-08-01T13:15:00.000-04:00

It has been a productive few weeks. First off, I got an official A in my class. The final was a bit more difficult, but in all I loved the online system and would take another online class in a heartbeat. Plus, my father in law now owes me dinner! The new semester starts Aug. 13, and I'm looking forward to it.

The end of my affair with Harry

2007-07-20T12:59:00.000-04:00

Tonight at 12:01 AM, Daniel and I will be at Wal-Mart waiting to get 2 copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. However, I don't want to read mine right away. I don't want the love affair to end. I have been crazy about Harry since it came out in 1997. Each book marks a period of my own life as well. For example, the first birthday present Daniel ever got me was a copy of Half Blood Prince. I feel butterflies in my stomach, hoping that by reading the last book wont leave a feeling of disgust like watching the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I realize that this book wont please every fan, and has a big chance of breaking my heart. So, I'm letting Daniel read it first. It will cushion the blow.

Ehk...and some disconnected ramblings before bed

2007-07-18T00:59:00.000-04:00

Ehk....that's the way I feel. I have no better word for it. Summer is half gone, and the next semester starts Aug. 13. I'm getting an A in my Psych class. I have been basically just lonely/bored/unfulfilled lately. Its no ones fault, just the way it is right now. Took a fertility test to determine if my ovary follicles were working, whatever the hell that means. To my utter shock...I'm fertile, at least in that one way. Daniel is doing much better, and is almost back to his old mischievous self. I haven't painted in awhile, I believe I'm stuck again. Shit.

Happy Birthday to me....late

2007-07-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

So what, I'm 36. Ive not really accomplished much in the way of vocation, but I do have a sexy husband, loving family, and fun friends. Who could ask for more.
I have decided to get a tattoo to honor the next big section of my life, and Ill keep you posted on its status.

My current obsessions

2007-06-26T14:56:00.000-04:00

Since it has been awhile since I have talked with you, there have been some new things come into my life that entertain me enormously.

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion-
Daniel bought me my own xbox 360 so we could talk and play Burnout Revenge online and talk in the evenings. However, he made the mistake of introducing me to this game. Oblivion is the kind of RPG that you can play for months without even getting to the main quest, and is the most insidious waste of my time going right now.
Marvel's Civil War Series- Marvel Comics decided to make all their superheros fight each other in a huge, multi comic series that is now out in graphic novel format. Yes I will have all 13 graphic novels by the end of this summer, just to see Tony Stark-Iron Man get his.
Xbox 360 Uno Online- I actually have an Uno posse that I play with every day. Isn't that sad? This is the 2nd most insidious waste of my time.
Movies: So far, Fantastic 4 Rise of the Silver Surfer has been the best. The latest Pirates of the Caribbean SUCKED...THE ENDING WAS THE FOULEST THING TO DO TO THE AUDIESNCE SINCE GHOST!!!!!!!!! However, I am holding hope out for Harry Potter and Transformers.
Icky Thump-The White Stripes-Long suffering readers know my mythic obsession with Jack White and his music, and with this album he redeems himself in my eyes. This album is the most kick ass since De Stijl.

Future obsession: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows..This will be the total ruin of my summer.

Blog anniversary

2007-06-26T14:54:00.001-04:00

Wow, this blog is 3 years old. I've never kept up a journal writing project this long! My live isn't that interesting anymore, but in many ways I'm grateful. I will keep this up as long as I'm allowed, so here's to another year-Cheers!

Fog and School

2007-06-26T14:50:00.000-04:00

This summer looks like I'm going to be a crappy blogger. The whole theme of this month has been school and sleep-basically doing enough for both. We had a party this weekend that turned out spectacularly well, and our reps as having good parties is growing. I have an A in my psych class, but the fibrofog keeps me from remembering things a read an hour before. So, it looks like I'm going to try new meds, woohoo!!!!

Yes I'm here again

2007-06-07T14:17:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the vacation from blogging. It just seemed that what I had to say I didn't want to share. Daniel is doing much better, almost his normal self. My first class down the nursing path is psychology, and it begins June 11.

I'm here.

2007-05-24T01:34:00.000-04:00

I know I have been absent for awhile, and the blog seems to be perpetually changing lately. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the direction the blog, and maybe, my life is going. I have made the decision to try to become a nurse, something I have sworn for years I wouldn't do. I have finished the painting of Daniel, and and am drifting, trying to figure out what the next project will be. The fibro, as always, is kicking my but, and the lethargy has been particularly bad this week (especially after a bee sting on Monday, and the related epipen adventure that goes with it.) I was playing Elderscrolls Oblivion, until I realized that it was, and could in the future, take up too much of my time. Oh, did I mention the puter was out for a couple of days....

Daniel is worrying me to death. It seems that he has lost all interest in swinging, to the extent he is totally ambivalent about going to the parties this weekend. Work is wearing him down, and tonight he lashed out at me from nowhere. I cannot stay mad, because I wasn't behaving my best this weekend ( I cried almost all day Sunday). He ASKED me to make a doctor's appointment for him on Friday, when normally he has to be dragged to the doctor. He won't confide in me. I don't know whether or not to stay home this weekend and relax, or to go to the party. I admit I haven't been holding up my end in arranging play dates. I just hate to do it that way. I'd rather go to the party, have fun, and see what happens. He categorically said that if I was the only one he was going to end up playing with this weekend, he'd rather not go. I don't know what to do. Do I make him go, and have him resent it, or do I cancel the whole thing, and have him resent it.....

Back in the School Saddle

2007-05-11T20:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I took a wild hair and decided to take some community college classes this fall for shits and giggles. I was accepted. LOL Daniel doesn't even know yet. The local CC is reasonably inexpensive, so I wanted to see if I could actually be a student again. If I do well, I might consider trying to get my AAS in nursing. I was a nurse to John for two years, so I have the care giving down pat. I know I swore I wouldn't care give again for love or money. I just feel I need the challenge, to see if my brain isn't completely dead. And, I would be able to support us if anything happened to Daniel (John is still in my brain as an example). I figured I might take as many as 10 credit hours, I'm not sure yet. I need a math class (after all these years!), a psych class, and an anatomy class to fill out the prereqs for their nursing program. We shall see.

My Sweetie's Funk

2007-05-07T20:25:00.000-04:00

I have the good fortune to be with Daniel this week in WV. It's probably a good thing, since he's been really down lately. I don't know if its just a bored phase, depression, dissatisfaction, or a major existential funk.
There is no question he has been under some pressure lately. He's bored at work, it doesn't challenge him. He's also under the constant strain of a possible layoff. Daniel always seems to be under the impression that he doesn't make enough money, and that there never is enough money, but the fact is that he is a wonderful provider. He makes a good living, and we have a decent rainy day fund.
Daniel has also seemed to get this blase attitude about swinging as well. He hasn't been chatting with our friends at all, and he really doesn't care if he plays with anyone. He's just indifferent to a lot of things. There was a time I was indifferent to playing myself, but I have since recovered. Maybe Daniel just needs a break. I am really worried about him.

My Ass is sore....

2007-05-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

..and not for a fun reason. I am fat, out of shape, and took a nice long ride on the new bicycle to the dentists. The same bike that needs adjustments. I don't know what I had more anxiety about, the dentist, or making it there alive. The ride home was better, but it decided to rain cats and dogs. As I was walking the bike up a large hill (because I was in no shape to ride it), I remembered being an in shape runner in the rain running straight up a hill like this a few years ago. I laughed and cried the rest of the way home.

Most sages state that the beginner's mind is the best way to be. But when you are a beginner again after being good at something, it sucks. It is both humiliating and demoralizing. So I just have to put my sore ass on the bike seat again until I'm good at it, again.

Beltane 2007

2007-05-01T14:35:00.000-04:00

Blessed be! Beltane 2007 is full of hope and promise. I didn't sleep much because of the long ceremony. I basically prayed for a long and hopefully fruitful summer and harvest, no matter what was bearing fruit. Today ended up being 88 degrees and a beautiful day for the Sabbath.

In Remembrance

2007-04-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

NEW BLOG LOOK

2007-04-25T19:50:00.000-04:00

Well, how do you all like it?

Under construction

2007-04-25T19:47:00.000-04:00

If you notice the site looking freaky, it's because I am working on it.
Z

Final Respect

2007-04-25T14:42:00.000-04:00

This week the Veterans Administration has settled a lawsuit from 11 Wiccan families to allow the Wiccan pentacle to be placed on soldier's gravestones, either at any federal military cemetery, or private ones. Seeing as they allow 37 other religious symbols to be used, it is long overdue that the government allow pentacles. Wicca is one of the fastest growing religions in the country, and has been recognised by the military establishment for over two decades. Hopefully, this is just one more step in a direction where witches will no longer be pariahs, and where people of any faith can live in America without being disrespected in life because of the symbol they wear around their neck, or in death after honorable military service. If the soldier dies defending the constitution that allows freedom of religion, thats same soldier should have earned the right to have the pentacle on their gravestone.

Typical (for me) Monday

2007-04-23T15:07:00.000-04:00

Daniel has left for another week, and I was supposed to go with him. However, after being home from the hospital for 1 day, my grandfather is back in the hospital with a possible stroke in Three Rivers Hospital. This time, it was so serious my mom and sister both took the day off work to go on a 3 hour drive to be with him. I am 2 hours away, and do not have a way there, and it would be a waste of time to be there. Daniel offered to stay home from work, but a bunch of people hovering over him would not help him. My grandmother is trying to get him transferred to Kings Daughter's hospital.

Offensive Friday...an ongoing series..Unicorns and Swinging

2007-04-20T12:55:00.000-04:00

In the swinging lifestyle lexicon, a unicorn is a single bi-sexual female who only plays with couples for threesomes. SBF are called unicorns because they are just as common. On swinglifestyle.com, you will see a crapload of couples looking for SBF only, and precious few single bi females. These couples are not swingers, and should not be posting on swinger websites.

For one, swinging is about couples playing with couples. Yes, occasionally, couples will want to play with a single, male or female. But, if thats ALL they want to play with, they aren't swingers. I can't count the number of couples we have gotten in touch with that had no mention of looking for unicorns on their profile, saying "Sorry, we only want to play with the female ( or male) and leave the other partner to watch" That's deceitful and dishonest, and luckily, those couples are getting a clue about putting this info out before a misunderstanding occurs. I can't count the couples who have gotten in touch with us only wanting me, and not Daniel. I'm not bi, so its not happening, sorry ladies.

Secondly, from my experience, couples only looking for unicorns have male jealousy issues not compatible with swinging. These guys love seeing their wives with other women, but having a man in the mix is threatening. These couples come to swing parties, and the men get pissed off when their women are flirted with by other men. This just happened at our last party, in fact. Um , hello, that's EXPECTED at a swing party, because its assumed that at a swing party EVERYONE gets to play. If you have two couples where both women are bi and want to play together before everyone gets in, fine. If you are a guy who has his manhood threatened by another guy, even if that same guys wife is with him, then you need to rethink swinging.

For example, Daniel played with the female of a couple about a year ago (names shall be hidden to protect the innocent and guilty) who assured him her husband would be fine with it. She forgot to mention that her and her husband had played EXCLUSIVELY with women up to that point, but never a man. Her husband didn't seem remotely interested in me, and had been drinking heavily, so I went room hopping after the party to visit friends who were having after parties, and left Daniel and her alone. About half way through their play session, the husband shows up very drunk, after playing with a chick in the women's bathroom at the hotel (we found out later), and proceeded to get in Daniel's face, asking "How did he (Daniel) like having his dick inside his wife!" I give my husband credit, he kept calm, told the guy he was lucky to have such a beautiful wife, and showed them to the door. The guy did apologise the next week, claiming drunkenness, but if everyone would have been honest at the beginning, all would have turned out better.

I'm just saying, people looking for a three-way with a unicorn need to have their own parties and websites so that their isn't any miscommunication with the true swingers. They might get 3 people to show up.

The FAT RANT....A MUST SEE!!!

2007-04-18T14:38:00.000-04:00

First, watch this:

I am fat woman. I weigh 275 (19 stone for the Brits). Even when I was a runner I never weighed less than 225. I have been beating the shit out of myself for my size. I have plenty of friends, and I am married to a very hot man. I used to have men pay me for sex, and I was sure as hell not a size 2. I am never short of partners at swing parties, many of them extremely attractive. I want to thank Joy Nash for preaching the gospel.

Do I seem this [insert adjective]..?

2007-04-18T13:57:00.000-04:00

Daniel was talking to a friend at this weekend's aforementioned party who is a long time reader of this poor excuse for a blog. Our friend told Daniel that, from what he read in the blog, that I seemed trapped and miserable (MY INTERPRETATION OF WHAT WAS SAID).

I don't consider myself that at all. I do suffer from depression, but it's the chronic kind that I have had for most of my life. It's pretty well medicated, but there are a few hormonal or fibromyalgia induced misery days where I bitch about nothing in particular. Yes, I am alone a lot. Yes, I don't drive and don't go to a lot of places. Of course I get lonely. But, would I trade all this to go back to my previous life in Lexington where I was living a dangerous life on the edge that made me feel empty and used? Hell no. I chose to join my life to Daniel's, and I don't regret a thing. Besides, I'm getting a bicycle this weekend, the weather has warmed up, and I can get out and volunteer or get a part time job somewhere. All is well.

This weekends party

2007-04-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

Our swing party this weekend went well, despite the deluge of rain and changing rooms. We only had three noise complaints. About 30 people showed up, more or less. The only real problems was an unwanted single guy showing up and a couple with jealousy issues. Otherwise a good party.

Virginia Tech

2007-04-18T13:36:00.000-04:00

From the post "Itchy and Scratchy Show" on Wednesday, February 21, 2007:

"I'm doing a special post today from the lovely campus of Virginia Tech Vet School......This campus is gorgeous. Quite a few new buildings due to the football fetish here. its very clean and safe. Its nice but makes me miss UK. "

It only takes one nut job to destroy the whole illusion of safety. I've been reading on how so many of the shooter's professors read his extremely violent writings, complained to colleagues, but did nothing further. VA Tech is a science school, with a small English department. One would think if the entire department knew about this kid, SOMEONE would go to the administration. But. like everyone else, I can second guess till the cows come home and it wont bring back 32 people.

Blacksburg is a wonderful place that Daniel and I were considering going to on the 28th for a swing meet and greet. It is sad that one person has torn it apart. So much for the old saying that one person cannot make a difference, for good or bad.

Imus..Offensive Thursday

2007-04-12T15:46:00.000-04:00

I got an email from NOW (National Organization for Women), a few days ago asking me to join a letter writing campaign calling for the firing of Don Imus for his now infamous "Nappy Haired Ho's" comment about the Rutgers women's basketball team. I read the email, paused to reflect a moment, and deleted the email. Why? Wasn't I offended? The comment was in bad taste, but if you listen to Imus you come to expect tactlessness. Ultimately, you want to know why I deleted the email? Because, I'm also a member of the American Civil Liberties Union.

This is America people. Ever read the First Amendment? Let me quote it verbatim for you:
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. "
If Imus wants to make himself look like a heel on the public airwaves, he has that right. If the KKK wants to march through a town where they aren't wanted to prove how backwards and stupid they truly are, then they have that right too. The only time that speech isn't free is when what you say can actually cause physical harm ( Schenck v United States (1919), http://www.socialstudieshelp.com/CourtCases.htm). Blacks call themselves niggas and hos all the time, and whites call themselves honkys and crackers. Using the slang of another race to describe that said race looks and sounds stupid, but is protected free speech. If members of other races do not like outsiders using their slang to describe them, the quit calling themselves that. George Carlin says that its not what you say, but the manner in which it is said, that really matters. I happen to agree.

Daniel update

2007-04-12T14:48:00.000-04:00

I almost forgot to update you on the Daniel and military deal. I found out through many, many hours of online research ( I'm proud of my research reputation:)) that he would not be able to go through the paperwork road to go back to the Navy. We looked into the change of discharge angle, but, you have to prove that there was a procedural error before they will overturn the discharge. Then I heard about the Clemency program, where you tell the military courts that you have reformed and get a administrative discharge instead of a punitive one. Alas, I found out that you have to be less than 3 years past the discharge to go that route, and Daniel has been out 8.

So, I finally get a honest-to-god Navy recruiter on the horn. He proceeds to tell me there is a possible way for Daniel to go back into the Navy: by joining the National Guard. Apparently, there is a 1 year program the National Guard offers where one goes in for a year's duty, gets discharged honorably, which cancels out the bad conduct discharge, and then the Navy would take him back no questions asked. What about him being 35 when he gets ready to go back to the Navy? No problem, the recruiter says. So I leave a message with the National Guard recruiter in Hazard to call me back with the details.

A very nice guy returned my calls. He confirmed that yes, Daniel would be enlisted for 1 year in the National Guard, and would not have to go to boot camp OR be deployed overseas. Also, there is a NG unit being formed in Pikeville, a construction unit, where Daniel would only be working a bulldozer one weekend a month and 2 weeks this summer. The only two problems I could foresee is that; one, the next day for the entry physical is May 19 (ROCKERS!!!), and two, him passing the physical. Please, he doesn't weigh 400 lbs ( you'd swear it by listening to him talk about it lol), but he is a little out of shape.

This is all up to Daniel now. He needs to think deeply about whether hes willing (hes more than able) to do what it takes to get back into the Navy. I love him more than life itself, and will support him in whatever he wants to do.

Grandfather news

2007-04-12T14:47:00.000-04:00

There has been no dramatic change in my grandfather, except that he is getting slowly weaker. Hopefully we will see him on Sunday.

Papaw

2007-04-10T10:52:00.000-04:00

My grandfather is dying. Existentially, we all are, but in his case its literal. He is 86 years old, and has been hospitalized numerous times for heart, kidney and diabetes problems. This past weekend his oxygen levels went low, so he was hospitalized. The doctor says in order for him to survive, he needs dialysis. For the second time, he has categorically refused. My grandmother says, as of this morning, he is getting weaker.

My role in this extended family has always been Devil's Advocate. This time is no different. For once, I had to side with the cantankerous old fart on this one. I wouldn't wish dialysis on my worst enemy, after seeing what John went through his last week with it. My grandfather might be a curmudgeon, but he is still of sound mind, if not body. If he doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't. I have been trying to gently remind family members who are listening that dialysis would do no good anyway. He has let himself go far too long. He has made his bed health-wise, now its just a matter of time until he has his final rest in it.

I have always believed that it is very hard to grieve the death of an elderly person. They have had a full life, hopefully with few regrets. Will I grieve when my grandfather passes away? No, not for the man, but I will grieve for my grandmother, who will be alone for the first time in 59 years. I will grieve the lost lessons he could have taught me. I will morn the loss of the typical grandfather-granddaughter relationship I would have loved but he could not be bothered to have. Even if I could go to the hospital right now and offer my hand to him to try save our relationship, he would not accept it. So once again I will sit and wait it out with the rest of the family, and keep my thoughts to myself.

Offensive Friday...an ongoing series..

2007-04-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

Marijuana and prostitution should be legal and taxed like alcohol. There should be no prosecution of victimless crime in this country. And yes both statements go together. Using drugs other than pot does have victims, the people that the dope fiends steal from to get it. The only victim of a marijuana user is the box of Twinkies they devour on the couch. Pot users sleep, eat, and bother no one.
As for prostitution, it is also a victimless crime, no matter what other feminists say. And I know, I was a Escort (prostitute). Did I victimize any of my clients? No. They paid me for my company, and I gave it to them. The street pros who are doing it for drug money, they are more victims of hard drugs than prostitution.

I'm a big fraidycat

2007-04-05T15:07:00.000-04:00

I am a complete pussy. I am terrified of dentists. The reason why? I was traumatised. At 17 my wisdom teeth impacted. During the surgery to get them out, they found out I come out of general anesthesia too quickly. I felt the last wisdom tooth come out of my jaw. Somewhere I kicked a pair of flip flops across the room. My mother heard me screaming in the waiting room. The doctor acted like a jackass, saying I was a "bad patient". Then the nurse started taping my hand and said " Honey, can you FEEL THIS?!"
My mother was told the reason I was sobbing in the recovery room was that teenage girls react badly to the Valium thats given. I couldn't even tell my mom what had happened for 3 days until the swelling had gone down enough for me to speak.
So, 18 years later, I am still terrified of dentists. I have been to the dentist over the years to greater or lesser results. It took me 10 years after the trauma to go. Now its more about new dentists that frighten me. So, after waking up too early and having an anxiety attack, I cancelled my appointment. Sue me.

"So Much So Fast"

2007-04-04T13:53:00.000-04:00

I was up till 4am watching Frontline on PBS. The documentary "So Much So Fast" was on and I couldn't miss it. It was about Steven Heyward and his battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), a devastating, and ultimately, fatal disease. It brought up a lot of care giving memories for me, but in a good way.

Many of my long time readers will remember me talking about one of my favorite bloggers Brainhell (http://brainhell.blogspot.com/), who has been battling ALS since 2003. The ALS has progressed in him to the point where it will be difficult for him to keep blogging. Please, go to his site if you want to see an example of true grace and dignity under pressure.

The main part of the show was about the foundation that Steven Heyward's
brother's started, ALS Therapy Development Foundation. The foundation has gotten quite the reputation as being gonzo, because they want to skip all the (to them) unnecessary steps required by the FDA to get a medicine approved, and get the meds straight to the patients as soon as possible. The medical establishment feels they are reckless; I feel that they are on target. The ALSTDF want to take meds already approved for other illnesses that show promise for ALS and get them into trials as soon as possible. I know for a fact that's not a bad idea, since my husband John took Gleevec, not approved for ALL (leukemia), and it kept him alive for a YEAR he would not have had otherwise.
If you would like to check out the website for ALSTDF, it is http://www.als.net/aboutus/default.asp.

Red Tape Rodeo..yeehaw!

2007-03-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

My husband Daniel had a very colorful misspent youth. While he was in the Navy, he met his first wife N (or cunt, as I like to call her). She was (and still is, we aren't sure) a heroin addict. So, in able to try to "understand her better" Daniel let her shoot him up the first time. The rest you can guess. He descended into a hellish addiction to both coke and heroin that took him years to beat and cost him his military career, and damn near his life.

He was released from the Navy with a Bad Conduct discharge (he served 4 years, got an honorable discharge, then reenlisted) because of it. Daniel has been clean 8 years. Besides a speeding ticket, he hasn't been in trouble since. He has decided he wants to try to get the discharged changed to Honorable so he can go back into the Navy before he's too old. We have until November, his 35th birthday, to get it done, or he just goes into the Navy Reserves. So, we have begun the red tape rigmarole to get it changed. We are trying to get all the paperwork sent to DC by Good Friday, April 7. Since the website said it would take up to 6 months to do it, we hope at the latest there will be a decision by by October, that will give him time to reenlist if we can get it changed.

What do I think about all of this? Well, seeing that no less than 14 Navy Corpsman have died in Iraq since it all began has me justifiably uneasy ( Daniel was a Navy corpsman with the Marines). But this is not about me, its about him. He wants to make things right, and finish his duty honorably. And what does one do when they see their soul mate wanting something more than life itself? You help them get it.

Offensive Friday...an ongoing series..

2007-03-30T15:53:00.000-04:00

First, from an article from Yahoo:

"JENNIFER LOVEN, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - President Bush apologized Friday for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and promised during a visit to the facility for war veterans that "we're going to fix the problem."
Critics questioned the timing of Bush's visit six weeks after poor conditions and neglect of veterans were exposed there.
Bush toured the main hospital and Abrams Hall, where soldiers were transferred after they were vacated from the facility's Building 18, the site of moldy walls, rodent infestation and other problems that went unchecked until reported by the media. He said his conversations with those who had been in Building 18 left him "disturbed by their accounts.""

My husband was a Navy Corpsman for 7 years starting in the early 1990's. He told me Walter Reed was a shithole even then, so imagine what it became after all these years. Pres. Fucktard leads us into an unnecessary war, then has inept people in the Defense Dept. that can't even treat the wounded soldiers when they get home.
To be fair, this problem has been around longer than Pres. Fucktard. However, common sense would tend to dictate that if you are getting ready to send troops into battle, wouldn't you make sure that the facilities that would be taking care of the wounded be at least adequate, if not spectacular? As with the lack of a rebuilding program for post war Iraq, Pres. Fucktard is like a one legged man at an ass kicking contest, bouncing around and getting nothing done.

John and Elizabeth Edwards

2007-03-28T20:58:00.000-04:00

I really didn't want to say anything just yet about the John and Elizabeth Edwards thing, but I've been seeing, once again, a lot of crap in the media. So, I'm putting my two cents worth in once again...

For those of you who haven't heard about this, Elizabeth Edwards, wife of Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards, has inoperable breast cancer that has spread to her bones. She is terminal and most likely has a finite amount of time. She and her husband have decided to keep the campaign going, instead of stopping for her illness. Now, some in the media are raising hell about this. My comment: Fuck Off.

This woman is going to die of cancer. Keeping busy on the campaign trail is the best thing for her. Her mind will be kept off her pain. What do people expect her to do, sit at home, draw the shades and sing bible songs ( thanks Joe Rogan) until she dies? The woman is a fighter. After seeing someone fight cancer for 2 years tooth and nail (my late husband), I respect that more than going home to die. If she is able to keep up the rigors that come from campaigning, and her quality of life doesn't suffer, more power to her. Yes, they do have younger kids. But how whould you want your children to remember you? I'll, or vital as long as possible. Don't judge!!

Hurry up and fall down

2007-03-27T18:22:00.000-04:00

I'm going through the weirdest time right now. There are things I want to do, but I am procrastinating to death. I want to finish the painting of Daniel I am doing. I want to do some watercolor, quilting, and calligraphy. I want to become a runner again. I am just frozen in fear of doing it. I've been having dreams of failing college. I am still cross stitching, but is that because I've done it so long that I know I can't fail it. Basically I'm in a big rut and cant dig myself out.
The fibro is acting weird too. The extended daylight and warmth, along with the vitamin therapy I'm doing, is giving me spirts of energy to do things around they house, but I can't sustain them. I'm driving myself nuts, lol

Get up and go music list

2007-03-27T14:47:00.000-04:00

There are times I wake up especially groggy, since my night vitamin regime kicks me in different ways each night. The ritual I have gotten into to counter act the sleepies is: one 8 ounce can of something caffeinated (currently Pepsi), and my music. For anyone remotely curious, here's the list in the order it is on my play list:

White Zombie-Thunderkiss '65
Rob Zombie-Dragula (Hot Rod Herman Mix)
White Zombie- I'm Your Boogie Man
White Zombie-More Human Than Human
AC/DC- Let's Get It Up
AC/DC-You Shook Me All Night Long
Ozzy Osbourne-Flying High Again
White Zombie- Let the Bodied Hit The Floor
The Chieftains- Away We Go Again
The Knack-My Sharona
The Rolling Stones-Street Fighting Man
The Rolling Stones-Gimme Shelter
Disturbed-Stupefy
Disturbed-Down With The Sickness
White Stripes-Blue Orchid

If you aren't awake after that, you are in a coma.

Saturday night on the couch...counting blessings

2007-03-24T22:40:00.000-04:00

Daniel is currently sacked out at 10:30 at night on a Saturday. I'm on the laptop, watching TV and counting my blessings. Its been a very calm weekend. There's nothing vital going on except going to the movies tomorrow(300). In two weeks will be the 2 year anniversary of our meeting. We are reasonably good health, financially secure, and still very much in love. We figured out that me staying with him the week before a party actually helps us, so from now on it will be a regular routine. The Goddess is in Her heaven and all is right with the world.

Offensive Friday...an ongoing series..

2007-03-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." W.C Fields

I have decided to try to annoy someone with my opinions today, and every Friday. Why? Because no one ever leaves comments here, and I'm lonely :P

So here are a few of my beliefs that probably will hopefully cause some comments here.

*Abortion should be a constitutional right to all women over the age of 16, no exceptions. If the age of consent is 16, so should be the age of women for abortions. If you are old enough to screw legally, you are old enough for an abortion.

*The Patriot Act is the biggest abuse of Constitutional rights in the history of this country. Everyone acted so shocked that the FBI abused it. Give the government an inch in infringing on Constitutional rights, they will always take a mile.

And my last comment...hehehehehe....

*Fundamentalist Christianity is the biggest blight in this country. I have news for you right wing christians, OTHER RELIGIONS EXIST. I know you have a hard time swallowing that bit of news, but get used to it. Just because you hold high positions does not mean you have the right to tell me who to marry, when to drink, and how to control my body. And by the way, the bible is a work of fiction written by people for people. You'd get the same outcome if you took the Kama Sutra literally, and have more fun.

Ah...I feel better......

Chastity Balls?!?!

2007-03-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

First, An excerpt from the article by Jocelyne Zablit:

" WASHINGTON (AFP) - It has all the ingredients of a wedding. The proud tuxedo-clad father, the frosted white cake, the limousines and an exchange of vows.
But there is no groom and the girl in the long gown is no bride. She's daddy's little girl, there to take a vow of chastity.
In what is becoming a trend among conservative Christians in the United States, girls as young as nine are pledging to their fathers to remain virgins until they wed, in elaborate ceremonies dubbed "Purity Balls."
The gala affairs are intended to celebrate the father-daughter relationship.
The highlight is when the fathers and daughters exchange vows, with dad signing a covenant to protect his daughter's chastity by living an unblemished life and the daughter promising not to have sex until marriage.
Many fathers at the ceremonies also slip "purity rings" around the finger of their misty-eyed daughters or offer them "chastity bracelets" and other jewelry that the girls can entrust to their husbands on their wedding night."

I read this article with a mouthful of vomit I was trying to swallow down. This new trend of "Chastity Balls" offends me as a incest survivor, woman, and pragmatist.
First, from the the incest and woman standpoint. I was the victim of father-daughter incest. My "father" (Sperm Donor) always tried to make me promise to always be "daddy's little girl" and never pay attention to boys at all, except him. HE stated that daughters were always the property of their fathers until marriage, when they became the property of their husbands, usually hand picked by daddy. The fact that there are pseudo-weddings being held between fathers and daughters promising to keep a vital part of the girl's self, her virginity, until marriage, is sickening. Making a promise to their fathers to keep their virginity for their father's sake until marriage is perverse. I consider a girl's sexuality part of her own being. It should be her decision when and whom to give it to based on her informed decision after sex education about birth control ands STDS from BOTH parents and school.

As a feminist, it smacks of male ownership and hypocrisy. Virginity is being treated like a commodity to be bought and sold. It's not a dowry her father should be able to hand out. The times where any part of a girls person should be promised to their father is long gone. Oh, by the way, are there Son-Mother Chastity balls? Is anyone teaching the boys in this that they should be virgins until marriage? The same age old double standard society should be getting away from is still being reinforced by these balls.
As for being a pragmatist, the virginity promise won't work in the long run. The girl's average age for these ceremonies is somewhere around 9-12 years. I'm sorry, no young girl can possibly know what she will do at 15 or 16. The girl will be a different person by that time. And there seems to be a marked forgetting of human nature and peer pressure. A study from Yale and Harvard University discovered that 88 % of pledgers have sex before marriage anyway. These same 88% were also more likely to have more partners and less pregnancy and STD protection than their peers, and less likely to seek medical treatment out of guilt if they do catch something or get pregnant.

I was a virgin until I was 24, and lost it to the man I would eventually marry. Not because I had a sacred promise to keep my virginity, but because I was so traumatised from past abuse from my father I that was scared to have sex or even be sexual. The fact that this is the 21st century and this is going on simply stuns me. So much for progress.

Ostara 2007

2007-03-21T18:03:00.000-04:00

Ostara or Eostre, before the Christians stole it and made it Easter, was the second of the Spring Sabbats. Today is the day when ritual and secular cleaning is normally done in households, to prepare for the warm weather ahead. I have all my windows open, to blow out the staleness of winter in both my heart and mind. Today is the kind of holiday that one can completely forget about all the crap in our lives by simply cleaning it out and throwing it away. It is also the day of fertility, when things are born or conceived. LOL that will have to wait for this weekend when Daniel's home.

I wish all my readers a wonderful day of clean fresh starts and warm breezes.

Tired, hurty, and sad

2007-03-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

This is not a good time to blog for me. This was a Rockers weekend, a special two day party, and I am physically and mentally wasted. I said goodbye to my sweet Daniel for another 5 days. Ashley read my blog and took exception to my calling her a " mixed up kid", so I felt I had to remove all the pics of Kailey from both this blog and Daniel's.

I think that's what pushed me over the edge. I love that baby so much. It has been far harder to forget her than I thought it would be. Just seeing her pics at the same time I was deleting them felt like a knife stab. I have felt nothing but fondness and respect for Ashley, as a mother and a person, since all this started. When I could have blown up and been the Bitch of all bitches when she called with the news, I took the high road always, like my witch training has taught me. We were ready to be in this baby's life for the long haul. And I did call her a mixed up kid, and for that I am sorry. I'm the same age as her mother. The road she is having to travel is not a easy one, but I wish her well at it.

PS Listening to Goo Goo Dolls isn't a suggestion when one is not thinking happy thoughts.

Man, WV and my visit

2007-03-13T20:55:00.000-04:00

This is the land of contrasts. The area is physically beautiful, once you mentally blot out the scars of strip mining. The mountains are high and hollows are narrow, and in summer it is gorgeous. The people are a different matter. This is an economically depressed area. If you don't work in the coal industry, chances are you don't work at all. Drugs are everywhere, with one part of the road between Man and where Daniel works being frequented by very pitiful young girls willing to do just about anything for $20 for their next fix. However, the people themselves are kind, generous, and friendly..a strange mix.

The visit has been wonderful. Just being with Daniel has refueled my emotional tanks. We are now sitting here in the office with me blogging and him playing on the PS2. We will be home on Friday just long enough to pick our stuff up to go to Rockers...more info later.

Upcoming Trip

2007-03-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

I didn't mean to upset Daniel last night. I merely said that I had resigned myself to the fact of his being away so much. I didn't mean I missed him any less, or that I liked the situation. I just meant I have grown used to it and have adjusted my life accordingly. Apparently, I hit a nerve.
Daniel called me at 4 am and told me to have everything ready for Rockers next weekend, because I was coming with him to WV this week!!! I was overjoyed to hear it. It was good to hear he missed me as desperately as I missed him.
So I'm going to Man, WV from Monday to Friday morning, when we will then pick up the rental car and head for Rockers. This week I hope to be able to get outside a bit and look around the city. I'm also taking an art box to work on my drawing, watercolors, and sewing. It will be so good to spend time with my sweetie..I'll keep you posted.

New Blogger Skin

2007-03-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

Ok everyone, about twice a year I have a fit of boredom and change my blog around. It's springtime, dammit, and I wanted some color and flowers to remind my eyes what they look like. We are just getting the first pale flush of spring here, from the green haze around the trees that shows the promise of the leaves to come (oh, and the allergies are kicking in, another sign of spring).
So, if you like it, post a comment, If you don't like it, post a comment.

A News Story...

2007-03-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

...that finally made me smile instead of scream:

"Associated Press

DALTON, Ga. - A Georgia truck driver stepped forward Wednesday to claim half of a $390 million jackpot, the richest lottery prize in U.S. history.
'"I'm going to do a lot of fishing,"' Ed Nabors, 52, of Rocky Face, Ga., about 90 miles north of Atlanta, said in a deep Southern drawl. "

Now normally, some 90 year old retired doctor wins these things, precisely the ones who do not need it. That a 52 year old Georgia trucker won it pleases me immensely. I come from a family of carpenters, mechanics, and lots of truck drivers, both long haul and coal bucket [the open trailer trucks that haul gravel in other parts of the country]. This man makes a honest living the hard way, and is is young enough to enjoy the winnings, and most importantly, can use them. For once, it's just nice to see the little guy come out on top.

The First Day Out...

2007-03-06T15:56:00.000-05:00

...is hellish. This is the first official walk I've done since fall I believe. Working out on the Gazelle isn't the same as smelling the fresh air, dodging the cars, avoiding the dogs, and feeling the pavement under your feet. There is such a feeling of accomplishment. You can actually gage your progress after 20 minutes of walking.
Yes the insanity of wanting to run again has hit my bloodstream like a seasonal allergy, and no amount of Benadryl can fix it. I will keep all informed of the ups. downs and sideways of my progress.

Its official....

2007-02-28T19:26:00.000-05:00

The final blood DNA test results are here. It was done professionally, there can be no question of the validity of the results. The test was performed 3 times by two different labs, so the outcome is final.

Daniel is not a father. Kailey is not his. I really don't know what I totally feel now. I'm glad the roller-coaster is over. I'm relieved in a way that we can get on with our lives...and yet..

Kailey is a sweet baby. Her mother Ashley is a mixed up kid. We have become friends with her family. Daniel has decided that the best thing to do is cut all ties with them, for his own emotional health, and I agree with him. Will I miss her (Kailey)? Yes, she has grown into my heart. Will I rejoice that the first biological child that my husband has is mine? Yes. Life is full of greys, and this situation is one of them.

Captain Outrageous

2007-02-23T19:32:00.000-05:00

Captain Outrageous died February 9. Yes that has been several weeks ago now, but I haven't exactly known what to say until now. I've been kinda trying to put the shock into words, but couldn't till now.

To all not in the know, Capt. O was an art INSITUTION in Key West. If one person could be called part of the essential fabric of KW it was him. He had an international following, but this was the same affable old coot that would say hello and wink as I ran by him in coming out of Harpoon Harry's after breakfast. His art was everywhere on the streets and in the windows and musical instruments, as colorful and varied as a fine emerald found from a Keys shipwreck. I didn't know him more than to say hello, but his art stayed in my heart for the past 7 years.
The sad part is his passing feels like another string connecting me to KW has been cut. If I had been there, I would have marched in his funeral procession through the streets of the island. Capt. O's death has reminded me both how distant those days are becoming, and how instantly my heart can be snapped back like a piece of elastic right back there. Have a good sail Capt'!!

Entertainment News Diatribe

2007-02-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

The past week on CNN has been like an episode of "As the Stomach Churns". I only have a few things to say:

*FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU CONSIDER HOLY, SOMEBODY BURY ANNA NICOLE SMITH AND GET IT OFF THE ^$%#&$^ Air !!!!!
The woman is decomposing as we speak, and all the vultures of her life are still circling for her money and fame including THE JUDGE, so please just get on with it and bury her already!! (as of a few minutes ago the judge awarded the body to the lawyer representing Anna Nicole's 5 month old baby, with a suggestion to bury her in in The Bahamas, but no clear order. Lovely, that just clears everything up {*&@*&#} )

**News Flash : BRITTANY SPEARS STORY TREATED LIKE SHE IS FIRST WOMAN TO SHAVE HEAD AND GO PSYCHO ON DRUGS!!!!
I have some news of my own: when a woman shaves her head, its a cry for help. I know this because I have done it. Yet you didn't hear the news about it on CNN every freaking time I made a move. Is she the first celeb to hit bottom? The first to flame out in public? NO. When the news coverage gets so bad it makes K-Fed look like Ward Clever, its time to find another story ( as of a few hours ago, Brittany was back in rehab, and Federline got the kids while she stays there...good luck with that.)

Hells bells, If I wanted to know about all this shit, I'd be going to People.com. All I'm asking is for real news to be carried out, and the crap to be left in Entertainment where it belongs.

The Itchy and Scratchy Show...

2007-02-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

I'm doing a special post today from the lovely campus of Virginia Tech Vet School. My friend has the sweetest Lab mix puppy that has no growth plates in his front legs. They were lucky enough to get a scholarship to bring him to VA Tech. the conundrum is that I'm highly allergic to dogs, but, for the cause, i came with her to keep her company on the drive. Yes, a dose of Benedryl and nebulizer along with a long shower will be in order when I get home.

This campus is gorgeous. Quite a few new buildings due to the football fetish here. its very clean and safe. Its nice but makes me miss UK.

The tests, both of them

2007-02-20T23:50:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't forget about the tests. For the first, I was there bright and early Saturday morning while the test moderators were trying to get their shit together. The test took about an hour, and it was BASIC. It was filing, simple math, phone etiquette and such. I should get some news about it and the job in the next week. You have to be in the top 5 scores to qualify, and unless I'm a COMPLETE moron, I did just fine.
As for the second test, we went to the hospital yesterday morning to have it done. A was running late with Kailey, so we took our sweet time at registration so she could catch up. The baby was a sweetie, until they took her back to get her test-those dumb asses took her blood from her arm like an adult (bastards). However, Kailey didn't cry for long, and we all went back to the apartment to eat lunch and romp with the baby till Daniel had to leave for work. It was one of the best visits we have had. We will have those results by Friday or next Monday.

The weekend

2007-02-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

The party this weekend went extremely well! Despite the snow, we had roughly 45 people there. A lot of nudity, laughter, and friendship all around. We are starting to get a reputation for throwing good parties, so I hope we don't outgrow our party site. Daniel and I were both sick, but we both had a wonderful time.
Sunday was for recuperation, and we both needed it desperately. We watched the race (Daytona) while we passed the nebulizer back and forth to each other.

ARGHHHHH (cough, cough, sniffle)

2007-02-15T16:04:00.000-05:00

I have:
A civil service exam on Saturday morning,
A party to prepare for and stay up with all night Saturday night,
A visit from Kailey on Sunday,
Another DNA test on Monday,
And a cleaning job on the house between now and Saturday...........

Why can't I get healthy!!!!!

Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T12:28:00.000-05:00

I was feeling sorry for myself today because of the news of the baby and my ongoing health problems, and I barely realized it was Valentine's day. Then I stumbled across the Military Channel's Operation V-Day. This is dedicated to letting overseas servicemen and women send taped messages to their loved ones back home. Of course I grew teary-eyed until one serviceman in Iraq started his message with a quote from the Song of Solomon. By the end of his reading, I was sobbing. He read it with such passion, then dedicated it to his wife. That's all he said.

I cried because I was ashamed. Daniel has the flu too, and is working his ass off in the cold. I try to tell him a dozen times a day that I love him, but I never can tell him enough, or how deeply that love runs. Here is a guy from Iraq, facing death, taking the time to tell his wife over thousands of miles that he loves her, and using the passionate words of my favorite part of the Bible.

Baby, I want to tell you how much I love you every second of every day. The depth of my love for you is impossible to put into words. The memory of the first time I saw your face still makes my heart skip a beat. I adore every second you snore in my ear when we get to sleep together, and I love the way the house looks like a whirlwind hit after you are home a few days, because it shows YOU WERE HERE WITH ME! I hope there is never a day I take you for granted. In your honor, I found that quote from The Song of Solomon that soldier quoted, and have it here for you (http://etext.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=KjvCant.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=2&division=div1)

"The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart: behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice. My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.
For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;
The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;
The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.
O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.
Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.
Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether. "

I love you Daniel.

Lupercalia,

2007-02-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

From the Pagan Institutes' Sacred Times, their pagan book of days (http://paganinstitute.org/PIR/sacred_times.html)

"February 14-21
Lupercalia, one of the oldest festivals of Roman religion, in honor of Juno-Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus. Two youths are swabbed on the forehead with wool dipped in milk. This was a festival of love. One feature was a lottery in which tokens (original valentine) with the names of single women were drawn by young men. The couples were companions for the week's festivities."
This is just a bit of alternative history today's pseudo-Christian holiday.

The news...

2007-02-14T09:33:00.000-05:00

Well I was right, the truth hurt worse than I can ever imagine. The DNA test results came back negative. According to this test, Kailey is not Daniel's. We have decided to have another test, this time blood work, as a second opinion. Then, if the second test is negative, we have to make a painful decision: does Daniel choose to be a daddy to this child who I think desperately needs us, or or chose to be Uncle Daniel? We don't know yet.

My chest is still rattling, but I think the Cipro is clearing it up. I still have a touch of the flu, and my mouth is covered with cold sores. I'm going to look lovely for this weekends party. The way I feel emotionally and physically at this moment, I'm kinda apathetic about the party.

Next weekends gonna be interesting...

2007-02-11T11:45:00.001-05:00

I got an interesting little letter in the mail Saturday. It was an invitation to take the KY state civil exam next Saturday at 8:00 AM. I had applied for a fairly well paid state job, but didn't think I'd be qualified for it. So, the day of the party, I have to be at Pikeville HS at 8Am to take this test. Only the top 5 scores get considered. After the test we have to get ready for the party that night, the party itself, and a visit from the baby on Sunday. YeeHa!!!

ATTENTION TO FRIENDS!!!!

2007-02-09T18:51:00.000-05:00

Robert,

We are scared to death about you an P. I have called 3-4 times this week and left messages each time. We can never seem to catch either of you online. Did we do something to anger or upset you? Either one of us? We both miss you terribly, and wonder what could have happened to make you two withdraw from us. If we made you mad, at least give us a "Fuck You", so that we know that nothing is physically wrong. I know you read the blog as late as 3 days ago. Please, please get in touch with Daniel or myself.

Tabitha

Stand by for a cough filled primal scream!!

2007-02-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

In some way I think I have pissed of the health gods. I started coughing the first week of December, after the Xmas party. It started as laryngitis, and turned into a cough. So I coughed the whole month of December, ending up in the emergency room on Xmas night because I coughed so hard I thought I had broken my rib. Luckily or unluckily for me, I had a pulled intercostal (sp?) muscle. So through January, I held my side as i coughed until it healed. The amount of coughing would ease up for a day or two, then flare right back up.
Today's date is Feb. 9. I am on Advair, Singulair, and an emergency Albuterol inhaler. As soon as I get my nebulizer in the mail, I will add Xopenex (levalbuterol HCL) to the mix. Yes I have been diagnosed with Asthma. No, I don't have COPD since I have never personally smoked. What I do have is a body shaking, rasping cough that wont go away as much as I bitch about it.

Playstation withdrawl

2007-02-08T22:31:00.000-05:00

The Evil Enticer that is my husband got me turned onto video game RolePlayingGames a few months ago. I fell in love with RPG's all over again, hearkening me back to my youth when I geeked out with my friends and played D&D. A good RPG is like a good book: you can loose yourself inside it, and sink away from the life more ordinary.
I had just about beaten Final Fantasy X-2, and was preparing myself for Kingdom Hearts II when the PlayStation 2 started having a disc read error. This is akin to the blue screen of death for computers, either way it doesn't bode well. So for the second time, Daniel took it apart to clean it. It probably would have been kinder to take it out back and shoot it. The PS2 is certifiably dead.
Daniel has the Gamecube with him in WV, so he can play Zelda Twilight Princess (oh I shall play that game sooner or later hehehehe). Thus I am left bereft of a gaming console. You would think a 35 year old would have more dignity and not worry about not playing her games, but Ive' always been the kind of girl whom would rather be happy than dignified.

Things that are no big surprise, the death of Anna Nicole

2007-02-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Anna Nicole Smith finally went too far down the TrimSpa/Cocaine/booze road and died today at the age of 39 in Florida. I always had mixed feelings about her. On one hand, we have a talentless golddigger who was famous for being famous. On the other hand, you have a small town girl with no education, who was ambitious enough to use the only thing she had to get her and her son to a better life. In her place, I might have done the same thing if I had half her looks.

The last few months of her life actually was like a very creepy Greek Tragedy being played out in front of the press. It sort of makes sense she died they way she did. Every good Shakespearean tragic play ends with everyone but the dog dying. She was annoying yet fascinating, a dumb blond who was surprisingly shrewd, and a party girl that, from all accounts, was a decent mother. That's the truest part of the tragedy right there: she leaves behind a 5 month old baby whose custody will be fought over for years by two of Anna's opposing lovers.

Some in the media have been comparing her to Marilyn Monroe. I actually saw her more as an anti-Paris Hilton. Both famous for nothing, and beautiful enough to get away with it...for awhile.

LYRICS ALERT!!!! In honor of the weather

2007-02-07T00:19:00.000-05:00

"Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow"
Lyricist Sammy Cahn and composer Jule Styne-1945.

Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

It doesn't show signsof stopping
And I've bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight
All the way home I'll be warm

The fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still goodbying
But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow

The truth will not set us free

2007-02-05T15:47:00.000-05:00

We finally got the DNA Test performed and sent in. We did the cheek swabbing on Saturday, and Kailey was a champ. She made a face because it tickled, but she didn't get upset at all. LOL I think it was a scam, since the look she gave me when Daniel gave her her gift was priceless (see pic above). I think shes learned the lesson of "Im a girl and can con anybody".

We got all the paperwork done and sent in today. We should know by Friday or next Monday the results. Stay tuned

The moods I get into when Im in pain....

2007-02-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

LOL I've been trying to clean my house before this weekends visit from the Youngling and her mom, and I'm in a lot of pain from the fibro. Moving, bending, sitting upright, are not that fun to do right now. So I started daydreaming...

About having a human House Elf, a extremely submissive man, or woman for that matter, that would be a domestic slave. Someone who got an erotic thrill from cleaning my house and doing my errands. I would be totally free to pursue my art, or totally rest if I needed to. lol Any takers?

I'm going to get you my Pretty..and your cold too!!

2007-01-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

I really have no intention of turning this into a mommy blog. You know mommy blogs: incessant blogging about diapers, breast feeding, and how their particular chick is more spectacular than any body's. One day, I might morph into that when I hatch my own young, but until then, I will try not to bore you with posts about Kailey, my step-Imp.

We got to see her this weekend at her maternal grandmothers house, and meet various in-laws, outlaws, and Kailey's mother's boyfriend. He and Daniel were cordial if not best buddies, and I hope his (Mike the BF) worries about us has been put to rest. Kailey was Kailey: she knew that All were

her abject slaves, and Daniel and I are no different. She points, and 4 people jump to fetch. She is getting more comfortable with Daniel, which was sweet to see.

The only snag in this situation is the DNA test. We are set to do it this weekend if we get the test kit on time, and our friend Edie is set to be the "impartial third party" that performs the various and sundry things that DNA tests require. I believe she is his: she looks like him and has many physical traits that are genetic that points to that conclusion. What we haven't figured out is what we do if she's not Daniel's. We have been warned not to fall in love with this baby until we knew for sure, but alas, it's too late, and I knew it would be.

Oh as for the title of this entry. The little Imp gave me her cold, so I will have to kiss her face off for that :P

Planning the next party..

2007-01-29T21:37:00.000-05:00

The way our Swing group runs is that we have a party every other month, in harmony with Rockers. Our friends volunteered to host this one and not charge a cover. We advertised it on SLS (www.swinglifestyle.com) for the first time, and have had a huge response. There should be a huge crowd.

Daniel thinks we should go in another direction with our parties. Up to now at the new hotel site, there has been more socializing and less swinging. They have been this way because we have had new couples feel uncomfortable if they see too much skin. Well, Daniel has had enough. He is getting ready to revise the FAQ for parties, and this time, people are being told to expect sex around them. There will be a smaller socializing area, with the large part of the suite being left for what swing parties are supposed to be about. Therefore, if a new couple feel uncomfortable with the level of nudity or sexual activity around them, tough. Daniel says sink or swim. There will be sexy games and Dirty dice in the play section and food and talking in the social section, with a curtain in between. Possibly, there will be a warning sign before you walk past the curtain.

Daniel wants the parties to be more lively, more down and dirty, but I feel uneasy about this. Some people who would normally turn out to be buck ass wild swingers might need a bit of time to step up to the plate, sort of speak. I would hate to lose people because they felt pressured. However, the shake up might be good and separate the real from the poser wannabe.

One extreme to another...the first day of the Gazelle

2007-01-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

I climbed on to the machine buck ass naked. It struck me as a very ancient Olympics thing to do. Grabbing the handles, I reminded myself that I have completed 2 5K runs, and I used to run 20 miles a week. I felt strong; I felt good....
5 Minutes later my naked ass was on the floor gasping for breath while every muscle in my body body burned. The memories of athletic glory dripped away with the sweat. I didn't have to remind myself that I was at the beginner stage all over again, my heaving, asthmatic lungs reminded of that fact pretty quickly. At the first I was hearing Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra (2001 A Space Odyssey) soaring over me....
The end sounded more like Yakety Sax (Benny Hill).

Meeting Kailey

2007-01-24T07:26:00.000-05:00

As you can see, the first meeting between me and Kailey went reasonably well. Her mother brought her to the apartment, with her Auntie, this past Saturday. She did what babies do: she tried to get her daddy to lift her up so she could get ahold of the hanging lamp, she used the popcorn tin as a bongo, and tried to climb into the TV when The Backyardigans came on. She didn't really let me hold her, but did let Daniel hold her a bit longer. We are still strangers to her, but won't be for long.

The last picture of her asleep is the special one. She's sleeping on the magical Purple Fuzzy Binky. I blessed this blanket in Key West, and my late husband John gave it it's name. I put a special spell of healing and protection on it, to comfort someone I loved into sleeping well. It's good to see the magic is still working.

Ski Machines and the State of the Union

2007-01-24T07:08:00.000-05:00

I decided I would multitask during Monkeyboy's ( Our President's) yearly exercise in futility, The State of the Union address, and put together my Gazelle Elite at the same time. It seemed a logical idea, and at least something constructive would come from the otherwise wasted time. With power drill and wrench in hand, I was piecing the Gazelle together while I listened to Dorks the Clown go on and on about the war in Iraq being about terrorism, that this time his plan would work in Iraq, yada yada. Then the epiphany came.
Using a Gazelle is essentially cross country skiing to nowhere: you get on, you act like you are skiing for 30 minutes, you get off. Nothing is accomplished except making your heart rate go up for a certain amount of time. You don't really enjoy it, but know in the long run, you will feel better. The State of the Union speech is the same thing; you act like you are getting somewhere by listening, your heart rate goes up (usually in anger or derisive laughter), the speech ends. You really didn't enjoy it, but know that you will feel better in the long run because this Fucktard will be out of office soon. I like the analogy.

The way things are

2007-01-18T17:44:00.000-05:00

There were things I wanted to do today

I wanted to call mom

get 1000$

fly to Key West

and never come back.

But I wont

I cant

I love you too much

you are my life's blood

the oxygen in my lungs

how could even think

I could I leave my soul...

We have a baby to raise :D

Summing up the week.

2007-01-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

This has been a very stressful time for me. Ive been busy getting the house ready for the visit from the baby and her mother this weekend, working on getting the mortgage set up, and all the paperwork to free up the money for the down payment. I feel like a wound up guitar string ready to snap sometimes. I did get out with my friend Edie for awhile yesterday which helped enormously. Creatively, I haven't had much time to paint, but I have been able to cross stitch and play a bit with the watercolors, and that is the most soothing thing.
The biggest, and most useless fear a human being can have is a fear of the unknown. I deal with fears like that a lot. I just need to get to this weekend visit, to get through the tension and awkwardness of the situation, and things should be fine. One of my dreams has always been to live in my own house. Now that possibility is right in my lap, but I can't really enjoy it until I get these feelings out of my way about Kailey's arrival into our lives. If this baby is Daniel's, I will be first in line to spoil her silly, and love her to death. Here is where the fear of the unknown steps up: what if she isn't his child, and we both get our hearts broken?

This ain't my first rodeo...

2007-01-16T18:46:00.000-05:00

..as a step parent. My long suffering readers know I have four already, two being older than I am, two being in their late 20's-early 30's, by my first husband. They came with their own histories, already raised and well on their own path. In fact , the step-son that is just one day older than me is currently also my sister's husband (after John his father died). There was no way for me to warp their minds...that had been done for me years before.

A baby is something different. Babies are little sponges that pick up the least thing. Most people know moms and dads, then go through a divorce, then deal with step parents. This sweet baby wont, at least, have that trauma to go through. I intend to be the only person she will ever know to be married to her dad. That's some big shoes to fill.

The good thing is, she will get another set of grandparents, Aunt and uncle and a slew of cousins in the bargain. My family adore Daniel, and any child of his is one of the family no question.

The "big" little surprise..by Daniel

2007-01-16T11:28:00.000-05:00

This is verbatim from Daniel's blog:

"Sit down before you read this... and if you drink get one

This Saturday Tabitha and I went out for dinner and we were waiting for our friends at the restaurant I saw that I had a missed call... so I looked at the # and didn't recognize it.. so I called it back. On the other line was a girl that I was playing with the same time that Tabitha and I first starting out our friendship... Tabitha knew that she, Ashley, and I was messing around but Ashley had issues with the whole swinging lifestyle... so disappeared to find a more conventional relationship.
I had heard that Ashley shacked up with a guy right after me so I didn't bug her and six months after that I met up with her uncle, which is a good friend of mine, and he told me Ashley was pregnant. The first thing I asked was "Am I the father?" and first he stuck out his chest to look like Billy Bad ass and said"That's what you and I need to talk about." ...then he broke into a grin and said "Nah, she knows it's this other guy, I had to mess with ya." I told him to give her my best and that I was happy for her.
Fast forward back to this past Saturday, Ashley asked if I remembered her and I told her that I did and I was glad to hear from her... I was asking questions like "How are you? Where have you been? I heard you were having a baby how is it?"...
That's when she dropped the bomb....
"That's really why I'm calling, you see... I believe the baby is yours."
Well at first, I was dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say, so I let her tell me more about the circumstances. When she found out that she was pregnant she knew it had to be either me or this other dude, (I don't know his name... nor do I care), well when she told him he bolted and she never heard from him again and for the longest time she really thought he was the father, and then she heard of Tabitha and I getting married, and didn't want to intrude with us and was afraid of how I would react, how Tabitha would react, and her boyfriend now that had been with her through the pregnancy didn't want me to know because he was afraid that I would try and get her back, blah blah
The next feelings I had were, OK so I may be a daddy... how is Tab going to handle this? Tabitha and I have been trying to have a baby for awhile, well since we got married anyways, and here comes another lady that has a child by me.
The next was anger for not knowing... but that went away quick... cause I have time to catch up. But all and all I was anxious to meet the baby to see for myself. So I made plans to see the baby the next day.
Well I decided that it would be better to see the baby without Tabitha, just because of all the emotions that I would be having I knew Tabitha needed time getting used to the idea and would be as emotional as I and I really didn't think it would have been pretty. So I went and seen her...
The first time I saw her I knew she was mine, and when she first saw me she smiled, put her hand near her mouth and acted all shy on me but she didn't stop grinning... well until she got tired... Things went well with the mother and she and I were just concerned with the baby.
When I came home I showed pictures of the baby to Tabitha ... she cried and told me she was beautiful and that she was upset more that she wasn't the first that was able to have my baby than any other reason. I held her in my arms and let her know that it was OK.... Tabitha is my life, my lover, my wife, and my best friend, and means more to me than anything. The only thing different now is that I have two women that I would die for. Tabitha... and my daughter Kailey Nicole..."

Some thoughts

2007-01-16T00:17:00.000-05:00

Some thoughts...

35 tends to be the age where women are usually half-way to where they are going with their lives. They either chose the housewife route early, and have half grown children, or are well established in their careers, and are just contemplating motherhood. Or they are late bloomers, like me, who feel like they are perpetually stuck in the middle, on paths that wiggle and worm. I have always been a restless late bloomer, normally content to do her own thing and let life carry her where it wants her to be. Career wise, Ive done quite a few jobs in my time, some more legal than others, and have learned from most of them. When I was younger, I always assumed Id have a child some time, when it was meant to be. I always liked being a late bloomer, because the expectations that I would amount to something stupendous and monumental had relaxed, and the pressure to be something I'm not had lessened. At 35, I find that I just am. I exist in the world and since the first flush of promise has passed me, if I do something earth shattering now, it will come as a completely pleasant surprise to my family and friends. I felt this complacency until the phone call at dinner on Saturday night.

Saturday night I realized now that age is not the friend I thought it was. The realization that some things have to be done before you get too old to do them hit me right between the eyes, the proverbial curve ball I didn't see coming to dodge. Now, I am afraid like I have never before been in my life. the possibility of giving my husband the one thing I want and thought I could give him just might have been given by someone else. The look of astonishment and awe a man gets when they get this particular gift for the first time has been taken away from me.

A painter wants to paint a picture, one that can only come from her talent. It is so special she wants to give it to her love, knowing he has never had anything like it before. She looks at the canvas, and keeps looking, unable to get the picture on the canvas. Her love knows how hard she tries to paint the picture, but it just wont happen. Then, in an instant, she looks around and that special painting was painted by someone else, ans she will not be first to give it to her love. Meanwhile the canvas still sits propped up, bare and empty, waiting.

(Insert Circus Music)

2007-01-15T23:43:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how one minute you can be sitting in a restaurant, waiting for friends to meet you there, when the cell phone rings. Then, less than a minute later, the life of you and your husband spins like a whirling dervish in another direction totally. Life can throw complicated and wonderful and terrible curve balls right at you. Sometimes the curve ball misses, sometimes its a glancing blow, sometimes it beans you right between the eyes. Daniel has first dibs on telling this story. Once he has posted his blog on his site, I will re-post that entry here, then my response to it. You are hereby warned.

Further article on "Ashley treatment"

2007-01-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

I have been discussing the "Ashley treatment" and Pillow angel theme with a lot of people lately, not so much from the blog, but amongst our friends. My view of the situation, that the parents did the right thing by their daughter, has made me sound like a Nazi compared to others in the Medical and Disabled Community. However, the editors of Scientific America, on their site blog, have a different opinion. The article, in its entirety: http://blog.sciam.com/index.php?title=title_5&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1

"January 4, 2007
06:23:43 pm, Categories: Ethics and Science, Medicine, Politics and Science, Public Policy, 980 words
Pillow Angel Parents Deserve Credit, Not Blame

Our online news editor here--Lisa Stein--asked me to post the following for her about the "pillow angel" story from today. Without further ado:
Parents of a severely disabled girl recently revealed that they took the dramatic step of keeping their nine-year-old daughter pint-sized to, in their view, give her a better life. The child, Ashley, has a condition called static encephalopathy, a rare disorder that causes permanent brain damage. The effects on development depend on the part of the brain involved and on the severity of the damage. Developmental problems may include any of a range of disabilities such as cerebral palsy, learning disabilities, mental retardation, autism, PDD, speech delays, attention deficits, hearing and vision impairments, oral motor problems... Ashley's parents, who live in Seattle, report their daughter has the mental capacity of a three-month old baby and cannot walk or talk; they call her "Pillow Angel," because she doesn't move from wherever they put her down, usually on a pillow.
These parents feed and bathe Ashley, clothe and carry her--just as they would an infant. Recognizing she would never improve, they decided to start controversial treatments three years ago that involve giving her hormones to minimize her growth. This has kept her small and made it easier to care for her and involve her in family activities. Ashley's parents also opted for surgery to block breast growth and had her appendix and uterus removed (since she will not be bearing children) to eliminate bleeding and discomfort that might accompany a period. They began administering the hormone therapy in July 2004 through patches on the skin. Ultimately, it could reduce her adult height by 20 percent and her weight by 40 percent.
The parents said on a blog that they were driven by a desire to "provide Ashley with the best quality of life'' and not by the convenience that keeping her tiny might afford them.
Who are any of us to second-guess their motives--or to judge what they have done? Unless parents of children with similar ills, we can imagine but cannot possibly know what goes into dealing with a child in such circumstances, a child who will never grow emotionally or intellectually, never be able to learn or to play... who will be forever dependent on us or on someone else for her care.
It is hard enough to raise a healthy child--let alone one with a condition like Ashley's. Clearly, these parents did not reach their decision lightly or on their own: They sought the input and the approval of a panel of ethics experts at the University of Washington in Seattle--and the treatment was only started after its OK. The board debated and thoroughly explored all of the ethical questions involved, such as whether these parents have the right to tamper with nature and to prevent this child from growing physically or to ever have children of her own.
Dr. Douglas Diekerna, who was on the ethics committee, told the BBC that the panel gave its go-ahead "because the parents convinced us it was in fact in this little girl's best interests... If she were smaller, it would be much easier for them to continue to provide a much more personal level of care.
"Dad is frequently the one that lifts her from one place to the other, so if she gets bigger that becomes much more difficult,'' he said, "as they get older it becomes more difficult. At that point in time, they would be forced to consider using a mechanical lift, which is much more impersonal."
The parents insist that they did not do this to make their lives easier. "Rather," they wrote on a blog, "the central purpose of the treatment is to improve Ashley's quality of life... Faced with Ashley's medical reality, as her deeply loving parents, we worked with her doctors to do all we could to provide Ashely with the best possible quality of life."
Despite the parents' claims, many criticized their actions, arguing, among other things, that this could open the door for parents to impose medical treatments on their children designed to suit their own selfish needs. Where will this stop? some ask.
On the face of it, what these parents are doing might seem inhumane, barbaric, even; some would argue that they have no right to violate Ashley's personal freedom or tamper so flagrantly with nature or, if religious, charge that the parents have no right to interfere with Ashley's God-given body.
They all have their points, but, in the end, it is the parents who must decide what is best for their child.
Ashley has the mental ability of a three-month old infant and physicians have said there is no hope of her ever improving. She cannot walk or talk, she cannot care for herself now and there is no chance that she will ever be able to care for herself.
And therein lies the heart of the matter. It is very easy to judge from afar, but the bottom line is that these parents are doing what many others have chosen not to do or cannot do, perhaps because of a lack of federal and state support: They are caring for their severely disabled child, while others in their situation may have (and have) thrown in the towel long ago and turned over her care to someone else, perhaps even institutionalized her. They deserve credit not criticism. These parents have given us no indication that they are self-motivated, that they are driven by their own needs or greed. If they were, they would have washed their hands of the whole matter the moment they realized the hopelessness of Ashley's situation and the emotional and physical toll her care would take on them.
They also deserve credit for publicly revealing their plight--and opening the debate on such a volatile subject so that others might benefit from the discussion."

new blog

2007-01-11T20:23:00.000-05:00

I finally went ahead and started the new blog for my art, entitled
Covered In Paint
http://zezrie-coveredinpaint.blogspot.com/

I will add the link to my links list, and please feel free to criticise if you want.

The Weekly Farewell

2007-01-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

The routine is mostly the same every week. We stay up way too late Sunday night , and go to be at 8am on Monday morning. I usually get up earlier than him, and pack the suitcase around 1Pm. Today, I was up with a sad tummy and packed it at 10am between potty breaks, while he slept. The contents of the suitcase? Four changes of clothes for the week, and a towel.

I went to be at about 10:30ish, and got up at 1:30. We got some new pirated movies this weekend and I started making copies for him. He made a pot of coffee for his thermos and mug, and got the Gamecube packed up. He got the new Legends of Zelda Twilight Princess this weekend with Xmas money, and he will play it for weeks. After copying movies, at 2:30, I get dressed and help him carry down all the stuff he's taking with him. The great ceremony we go through each time before he leaves the house is to ask him this: do you have your keys, wallet, cell phone, and smokes? If he does, he's set to go. It is colder than what I realized, I didn't have a coat on. he has no window in the passenger side of the truck, so good thing he is bundled up in the leather jacket. I give him a huge kiss and hug, and watch him pull out on the beginning of the two hour drive for West Virginia and away from me.

This is the beginning of the week for me. Now, until early Saturday morning, I am usually alone in silence. The first day or two I enjoy it, since my beloved tends to run on all cylinders, and it can be exhausting to keep up with him sometimes. By Wednesday, the silence is deafening. By Friday, I'm chomping at the proverbial bit waiting for him. The week is usually made up of housework, blogging, sometimes painting, and a lot of educational TV and PlayStation 2. I'm sitting here, sipping leftover coffee from his pot he made, writing this all down because it can be so surreal at times. This grounds me.

GRRRRRRRR.. Medical Ethicists

2007-01-05T05:26:00.000-05:00

Before I begin to rant, I will fill you in a bit on what I'm bitching about. The parents of little girl named Ashley, who has severe brain damage and is pretty much in an infantile state, decided to have her go through surgery to remove her reproductive organs, and extreme hormone therapy to stunt her growth. The parents argument is that this was done for three reasons: to keep her small so they could continue to care for her at home, to keep her from going through the pain of puberty, and to keep from getting breasts, as breast cancer runs in her family.

Now, again before I rant, let me share with you why I have a right to bitch. I have been a caregiver to a severely handicapped child that, before her death, had to be put into a nursing home because she grew to 5'4, too big to be taken care of by her also disabled father. I have also been the sole caregiver to an adult male who at his lightest was still 125 lbs. The medical ethicists around the country have been pitching a fit, claiming the parents "perverse" to stunt this child's growth just to make it easier for them to care for. University of Pennsylvania ethicist Art Caplan went so far as to say that this case was a ' "slippery slope" thinking among parents who believe "the way to deal with my kid with permanent behavioral problems is to put them into permanent childhood."'
(http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/conditions/01/04/ashley.treatment.ap/index.html

Here is my bitch: has any of these learned doctors ever taken care of a disabled person? Have they had to pick up a person the same size as they are out of a bed, or off a toilet, or into a wheelchair by themselves ? have they ever had to look into the eyes of a disabled person after that person has been taken away from everything they have ever known, to be taken care of by strangers who could be indifferent to their well being? I have, and I'd rather cut my own heart out than to ever see it again. Until any of these ethicists can tell me that they have, then I do not want to hear them caterwaul about this little girls parents. This child will never be intellectually or developmentally older than 6 months old. These parents are guaranteeing that they will be able to care for her their whole lives without the worry of dropping or hurting her because she is too big to be lifted. They will never have to see her go through the difficulty of menstruation. They will also never have to worry about her developing health problems from hereditary breast cancer down the road. In the CNN article, the child's own doctors agreed to go through with the procedures because they saw the dedication of the parents, and knew they were not doing this for selfish reasons. They also knew this little girl would not go through further harm from the treatments to stunt her growth.

Until the day our society begins to make caregiving of the elderly and disabled a major priority, I do not want to hear one person criticise these parents. they love their daughter, and want to keep her at home where she would get the best care. Until ethicists learn that caregiving is more than just changing diapers, and they walk in these parent's shoes a few miles, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THEM, AND THEY CAN SHUT THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS.